I cannot go to the fish store without leaving with a fish! Last week I got another betta and today I got a freshwater dwarf puffer fish! One of the first puffers to be ALL freshwater.. not brackish.. not salt.. FRESH. He’s so cute.. I finally have a puff puff which I have ALWAYS wanted.. Right now he is with my two neons and betta.. he will probably start nipping at them once he gets bigger but he only gets to 1inch and as soon as I get my tax return I am getting a bigger tank with more plants so they will have plenty of room to swim and hide! Ahhh today was so much fun. I had a job interview that went really well, and Shadow (my newest betta) finally ate!!! He went 8 days without eating.. When I found him at Meijer he was in about half a cup of water all of which was poop.. he was trying to eat his own poop. I got him home and into a fresh new tank and noticed he had popeye.. I treated him with some antibiotics and anti fungal meds and he got much better.. At first he wasn’t swimming and hid in his castle all day.. he finally started swimming around and looking really well but would not eat! I was so worried he was going to starve himself to death. I finally went to the fish store today and got all different kinds of food and he finally ate some brine shrimp! Thank goodness!! I am so happy… and so is he.. I can see him now he is happily swimming around and actually searching for food, he must be so hungry after so long! haha.. anywho.. I have a puffer fish!! YAY.. I cannot wait to set up the bigger aquarium.. come on government give me my money! I never new how much I loved fish.. now I can’t stop buying them!! AHH!!
I will never be good enough for the only person I care about. Why even have these feelings and why can’t I get them for someone else that is actually obtainable. How did I even end up back in this sickness. Should have never let them back in my life. Why do I go against everything I know is right. I always make the stupid choices. Always get hurt. I thought I learned this already. At least I can recognize it before I go to far. Gotta shut down shut off disconnect back to not feeling back to lying to myself back to shoving emotions as far down as they can go. That’ll do it.
Just keep getting lower and lower and lower.. I don’t know how to stop this. Nothing is going right anymore.. nothing.. I don’t want to jinx myself but I don’t know how things could get any worse other than some like horrible physical tragedy. So come on universe.. give me a break.. I’ve suffered enough haven’t I?
Feeling a little better.. it has been a very rough few days. I finally got an email back for a new job opportunity and have slightly pulled up from this depression. I just want to feel like I’m doing something with my life again. I am so relaxed right now I spent about 2 hours at the gym and just had the best dinner ever.. salmon and peas and potato.. it was so yummy. I am so ready to pass out right now. So anywho we shall see what the future holds for me.. I hope it starts going uphill from now on I don’t want to get any lower.
I’m pretty hopped up on nyquil and tylenol 3 and brandy egg nog. I don’t feel drunk. Just tired. And hopeless. Fired today. By no ones fault but my own. I know that. But I just can’t help how I feel right now. I feel cheated. By life in general. I just feel like I’m always drawing the short straw. I feel like I put so much heart and soul into everything and it means nothing. Have an asshole paramedic who shows up on time is good, but an actual good hearted- hard working caring nice medic who shows up late once in a while is not okay. I know I’m just making excuses and putting out justifications. But what the fuck world. Really. Everything good I ever try to do has just backfired on me. I’m so exhausted caring for everyone else and no one caring about me. How can someone judge my work when they’re never seen it. I just don’t understand. I just. I feel so disconnected from this world. Is this really all there is? Just heartless, disgusting, people. How can this be it. Is there anyone out there like me? Who thinks like me? Who cares like me? Is naive like me? What is in this world to do for a person like me. What am I useful for. I thought it was medicine. I really did. To help people. Even if they don’t want it, or don’t know they need it, or don’t appreciate it. But I want appreciation. I want respect. I don’t feel satisfied with out it. I want approval. I want to be noticed for what I do right. Where is that? How do I get that? I don’t know what the answer is. I’m so lost. I believe in nothing but everything all at the same time. I don’t know what I want, who I am, where I am, what I believe. I just feel lost. I just wish I had something, anything, to motivate me in a direction. Anything to give me that passion again. That drive to strive towards something. I miss feeling like I had a purpose. I feel like nothing right now. Just a small meaningless nothing. I just want someone to hold me. And love me. And accept me. And appreciate me. So I don’t have to keep searching for that anymore. I just want someone to see what I see. To feel what I feel. To look at the world the way I do. Just to know I am not alone. I am so alone.
Name: Stephanie Marie
Single or Taken: Single
Sex: No Thanks.
Birthday: August 22nd 90’
Sign: Leo/Virgo Cusp Fiiiiire sign!
Eye color: Grey, most of the time.
What are you wearing: My blanket.
Where do you live:
In a quaint ranch house built upon
a lovely 3 acre Indian burial ground on a long
wooded winding rode where I imagine snow white lives
and sings with all her animals, except for the owl,
we killed his home long ago.
FAVORITE
Where is your favorite place to shop:
Depends what I am shopping for, if I want clothes, New York and Company is my favorite, Khols if I am broke. I absolutely love the seasonal aisle at Walgreens to buy random things. Hobby Lobby! AMAZON! Unmentionables, Victoria’s Secret and Lovers Lane. If I am getting the necessities, Target! Gifts, Walmart! Mac for make-up. Macys for shoes!
Color:
White. As in pure white, like when there is a foot of snow covering my backyard and the trees and no one has tainted it. Pink in theory, not on clothes. Bright Yellow. As in the sun. Not pee. If your pee is bright yellow you should see a doctor.
Animal:
I love, penguins of ALL kinds! & I love bunnies. Fish Fish Fish! My Crowntail Betta Splash!
Cute fluffy lionheads. And Buttons,
because he is a species of his own.
Month: August July January May April
Movie: Harry Potta! Emperors of the Ice. The Emperors New Groove.
Dirty Work. Finding Nemo. Mr Poppers Penguins. Donnie Darco.
Juice: Strawberry Kiwi.
Breakfast: Yes please! I love breakfast foods. Like egg. And toast. haha HAVE YOU EVER
Smoked: Unfortunately.
Bungee Jumped: Technically. It felt more like a swing.
Gone skinny dipping: Love it.
Put your tongue on a frozen pole: Well that’s dumb.
Loved someone so much it made you cry: Love doesn’t make you cry.
Broken a bone: Toe, wrist, ribs..
Been in a physical fight: Only a few times.
One was the first time I’d ever met them.
fsu. :P
Been in a police car: A few times.
Been in a hot tub: Yes I hope I can own one someday.
Swam in the ocean: Never, and that makes me sad.
I want to swim with the penguins in the Galapagos Islands. =D
Fallen asleep in school: In high school yes, many times.
And a sometimes in paramedic school..
only when watching stupid CPR videos,
who needs that.
Ran away: Um no thank you
I like having a free roof over my head.
Broken someones heart: Ehhh.. Naaahh
Cried when someone died: Yes.
Fell off your chair: Can’t say that I have.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: Nope.
Saved AIM/MSN conversation: Sup middle school.
WHAT IS
Your good luck charm: I don’t have one,
probably why I am so unlucky.
What’s your room like: Dark, Cold, and Messy, but it smells heavenly.
.
What kind of shampoo: Redkin Color Extend!
Do you believe in karma:
That’s about the only thing I believe in.
HAVE YOU HAD
Chicken pox: Yep, I hope you did too.
Sore Throat: Many times! I almost lost my cervix!
Stitches: Surprisingly, No.
Broken nose: Nope!
DO YOU
Believe in love at first sight: For some people.
Like picnics: In theory.. but I hate bugs more.
Would you eat a live hamster for $1,000,000 dollars: Um. That would hurt.
Who was the last person that called you: Dan Zemanek
What makes you laugh the most: Memebase. Ha.
LAST PERSON
You yelled at: Mommy dearest.
Who broke your heart: It’s more like a procession
of people who have
continuously chipped away
at it.
Who is your loudest friend: Dawn
DO YOU/ARE YOU
Do you like filling these out: If I didn’t I wouldn’t do it.
Do you wear contacts or glasses: Neither.
Do you like yourself: Quite the opposite.
Do you get along with your family: Generally.
Obsessive: Yes.
Compulsive: Not so much anymore, too lazy.
FINAL QUESTIONS
What are you listening to right now:
The humming of my laptop. The tapping noise coming from my vent. The buzzing of the lights. Surprisingly, not the sound of my fan which is usually always on.
Hate someone in your family: Nope.
If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be: I would like to not be so nervous around people.
How many remote controls are in your house: I has no ideas.
Are you double jointed: Nope.
Last time you took a bath: A few days ago.. I find them incredibly relaxing. I hope to have a hugeeeee massive pool for a bath tub in my house one day.
The last movie you saw at the cinemas: Pirates of the Caribbean
Do you like scary or happy movies: Both!
Black or white: White
Root Beer or Dr.Pepper: Hmm.. coke.
Vanilla or chocolate: Vanilla
Silver or Gold: Silver
Diamond or pearl: Diamond
Sunset or Sunrise: same thing
Sprite or 7up: Sprite!
Cats or dogs: Meow.
Indoor or outdoor: Outdoor.
A - Available: Nah.
B - Best Friend: I don’t even know anymore. My dad?
C - Cookie?
D - Dad’s Name: Joel
E - Easiest Person To Talk To: Notebooks and Bottles.
F - Favorite Food: Seafood.
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms: Bears.. I hope they are grizzly.
H - Hometown: Maywood.
I - Instrument: Drums. I wish.
K - Kids: No thanks.
L - Longest Car Ride: Minnesota. By Canada. 16 hours.
M - Milk Flavor: Chocolate!
N - Number Of Siblings: One.
O - One Wish: To meet a penguin. and have a saltwater tank.
P - Phobias: spiders, having no money, dying alone, kesha.
Q - Favorite Quote: Can’t bullshit a bullshitter.
R - Reason To Smile: Freedom.
S - Song You Last Heard: Something by Dan.
T - Time You Woke Up: 7am, yesterday.
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I’m not a rock.
V - Vegetable: mushrooooom! tomatoes, avocado is that a veggie? peppers! broccoli! the white broccoli! haha..&& larry the cucumber! <3
W - Worst Habits: procrastination, heavy drankin’, smoking.
X - X-Rays You’ve Had: Foot, teeth, thoracic cavity, coccyx & sacrum, arm, hand, abdominal ct, and some others..
Y - Your Favorite Pastime: Running/Biking, reading, interwebs, and maybe some cuddling.
Z - Zodiac Sign: Fire.
Can’t wait to see em! Oct 13th.
This isn’t half of what I thought it’d be
At what point does love become routine?
I had to wait, I had to wait, I had to wait to see
That who you are is not who I hoped you’d be
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAu4CeBTVNA
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